I’m at the license bureau because they want me to renew:
It is okay to steal or take things if it doesn’t hurt anyone.
I see or hear things that people around me cannot see or hear.
Breaking rules are acceptable if I do not get caught.
I would use a horoscope to inform an important life decision.
I have had romantic feelings for a member of the same sex.
I am not concerned with or afraid of the possibility of my own death.
I believe that I was gifted with powers by a higher being.
The world in its current state is sufficient.
I feel like I can understand or empathize with the devils.
I tell lies frequently, or I cannot tell the difference between fiction and fact.
It’s not a good idea to say true for more than three, but my actual answers were Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes, and Sometimes. The correct answers were No. I put down Yes for three because maybe they’ll think I’m not answering honestly if I just write all the right answers down, but if they make them that obvious who would answer any other way? I am absolutely overthinking this. That is probably part of the test too, but it’s also likely that if anybody working here cared about anything at all they would probably have already been super suspicious of me for like a dozen obvious reasons.
Actually, I meant to say “all of the times” for my real answer to number five.
When I hand in the paperwork the secretary looks kind of amused by it as if it has been telling her a funny joke and she holds it up right in front of her face while her elbows dig into the desk that must be like ten million years old of some old deep red wood. She makes absolutely no noise at all while she reads it, but i get the impression she is laughing at it? That is the sort of thing I would say totally falls under the category of imagining things that aren’t there. Unless I’m right and it is there. But I’m probably not right.
“Do you have a note from your therapist?”
Yep I sure do, it’s right here.
“Do you have a note from your doctor?”
“Do you have a note from a local religious authority?”
Totally. But she’s not super happy about it, probably because the title of the person who signed it is Cool Moss Goddess. She’s looking at me like, really? But she is very reputable.
“This isn’t signed.”
The Cool Moss Goddess is a lazy asshole.
But fortunately the branch doesn’t close for three more hours so I can go over to the Cool Moss Goddess and we can get a little stoned and maybe make out a little and then I can come back here having forgotten to get it signed again. Everyone wins.
“Nice jacket,” the secretary says on my way out.